Love and Chaos - A MMFD Fanfic
by mayfair82
Summary: A/U where instead of leaving Lincolnshire and letting Rae go, Finn stays and fights, but things don't work out quite as easily as he hoped.
1. Chapter 1 - Stay

**"Stay" - A MMFD Fanfic**

A/U where instead of leaving and letting Rae go to the party in Uffington, Finn stays and fights. Contains a minor point from Ep6 that was used to fit with the timeline.

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A/N: This is initially a one-shot and also my first ever fanfic, so although I feel that I _might_ expand it further, it depends on how it's received, if anyone thinks it's any good and what happens in my head lol!

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"So you'd have to move?" Rae asked quietly. Sadness and fear flashing across her eyes all at once.

"That's what I'm sayin'. I'm thinkin' 'bout moving away" Finn replied with a small nod, his eyes falling down to the ground as he watched her eyebrows furrow, unable to read her mind. Looking down at the warm mug of tea in his hands he sighed, his insides screaming for her to beg him to stay. "Because I've got no other reason to stay…" he let out quietly, turning to look at her, questioning, "Have I?"

Within moments she broke his gaze, chewing her lip as she blinked away her feelings. _Is it really that easy for her?_ He thought silently. _Are we really that done?_ Suddenly the silence was broken as she sat up hurriedly,

"Oh shit! I've got to go, I've got to be in Uffington for 7" She exclaimed, a bit too happily. His insides twisted at her tone, as he glanced towards the clock as she gestured. He placed the mug of tea down beside her bed and stood up nodding sadly, making his way towards her door to leave. "We'll chat more about this later, yeah?" She smiled, acting like he'd just told her he was thinking of getting a new bike, not leaving Lincolnshire. "To be continued?" she asked with a cheeky tilt of her head. He sighed, looking across the room at her knowing that those three words had started something so tragically beautiful, and now they were ending it forever. He nodded imperceptibly with a sad smile.

"To be continued".

He pulled the door open, stepping out into the hallway his hand ready to pull the door closed behind him. _This is it._ He thought. _The moment this door closes she's out of my life forever._ His mind was set, he was going to Leeds, and he had to find a way to move on, to get over her. Lincolnshire, the gang, all of it made that impossible. He couldn't stop thinking about her. He'd spoken to Chloe earlier in the evening and her words rattled around his mind '_Maybe you never do'_ she'd said sadly when he'd asked how you get over someone, admitting to her that he couldn't get Rae out of his head. Maybe she was right, or maybe he just needed new faces and new places to fill his thoughts instead. Still stood in the doorway his shoulders slumped, his mind screaming at him to just pull the door closed and walk away, for his own sanity. But he couldn't. He just couldn't walk out the door and leave her behind. Did she not understand what he was asking? Did she just not care at all? The questions raced around his head and he could feel her eyes on his back, knowing she was staring at him. He gave in; groaning loudly in frustration and leaning against the doorframe, letting his head fall backwards to rest against the wood.

"You are such a dickhead", he muttered, unsure if he was talking to Rae or himself.

"What?" she exclaimed, her slight tone of indignation rising in her voice.

"You. Are such. A Dickhead". He enunciated slowly, his head still resting against the woodwork, his hand still on the handle. He knew he should just leave, but his feet seemed rooted to the spot, the handle glued to his hand. _Why can't I just leave and move on? Be happy?_ He asked himself.

"WHAT?" She shouted, standing up from the bed angrily. "Don't call me a dickhead!"

He pushed himself away from the support of the door, turning to face her with an angry sadness that he hadn't felt since his mum left. "Why not? I mean, you're either a dickhead or you're a bitch, I'm not sure I can tell anymore" he shouted.

"What the fuck have I done that makes me either?" She snarled back.

"Well, Rae." He paused, filling his lungs with air that felt too cold for the heat of the anger building inside of him. "You're either a dickhead 'cause you don't understand that I've just asked you to give me a reason to stay, or you're a bitch because you care so little about me you don't care that you're breaking my 'eart!" His tone changed, resigned, sad, and suddenly fearful to know the real answer.

His insides twisted and turned, his heart racing with adrenaline. It felt like his skin was tingling, like the feeling he got before a fight, all that anger and fear and excitement running through his veins. She stood in front of him, her mouth open, her face flashing an anger he'd never seen before and he looked away, unable to hold her stare when she was looking at him with such hate. _This weren't supposed to happen._ _We weren't supposed to hate each other._ He thought as the anger and adrenaline slowly faded away, replaced by a soul-aching feeling of emptiness and loneliness. He looked up at her through his lashes, wanting to take every part of her in knowing that now, after this; she'd never love him back. Her mouth was pursed, her brow furrowed deeply. He glanced down, watching her hands balling into fists like his own had done so many times before. Even now, even like this, he understood exactly what she was feeling at that moment. His mind flashed back to the newly hung Stone Roses poster in his room, hiding the damaged wall from his father. For him though, the night she'd shown up and broken his world, ended in a hole in a wall and bruised knuckles, his stomach lurched at what it might have done to her. What she might have done to herself. Her hands came together, her fingers scratching at the back of them and he finally allowed himself to look at her fully. Only moments had passed, but the silence in the room made it feel like hours. He looked her in the eye, wishing she could hear all the questions he was trying to ask with just that one stare, and she crumpled, sitting back onto the bed as her eyes filled up with tears.

She stared at the floor, her hands fidgeting in her lap, scratching at the skin until it reddened under her touch. Almost silently she muttered, "You left one out. I'm a dickhead because I don't have the guts to answer".

He remained frozen, his body screaming to move towards her but his feet refusing. _But what's the fuckin' answer?_ He screamed inside his head.

"Rae, I need t'know. Because… 'cause I'm dyin' inside. I can't stay here if I can't 'ave you. I can't watch you with other… people, and not feel broken up inside. I just can't Rae. I can't anymore. I can't!' He began to shake his head, his own eyes filling with tears, a desperation filling his voice that left him shaking. He stared at his feet, shoving his hands into his pockets to pull his jacket around himself tightly.

"I'm sorry, Finn. I really am. I'm not what you need, even now. You don't need my madness or me in your life. You deserve to be happy, to be with some gorgeous, skinny girl who can be normal and make you happy. That's not me. I'm not normal, or skinny, or gorgeous. I'm just mad and fat and ugly and I can't let you ruin your life for someone like me, someone so…"

"Fuck what I NEED, Rae! Why can't I 'ave what I WANT? YOU, RAE! I WANT YOU!" He cut off her spiralling rant of self-loathing as he shouted, louder than he meant to causing her to jump as his feet finally became free unstuck and he closed the gap between them in one hurried stride. Softening, his voice quieter, he dropped to his knees in front of her, his hands reaching out to stop her scratching, "I want _you_, Rae. I've wanted you for so long, because you _are_ normal and you _are_ gorgeous and you _do_ make me happy. Why can't you see that?" He shook his head, his words coming out all wrong, "No. No, I know why you can't, I get it, not properly, but I know you're not better. I just don't know why you won't let me try showing you diff'rent. Please, Rae, let me love you". He lifted his hand to her face, tilting her chin up so that she was forced to look at him, his hand still holding onto hers. "Rae, please, let me love you".

Her breathing shuddered as she shook her head imperceptibly, but he knew she wasn't saying no. He knew that it was because she didn't believe him; that she couldn't let herself believe him not that she didn't care. He watched another tear silently roll down her cheek and he knew then, in that moment, just how beautiful she really was. He'd always thought she was gorgeous, but this was different, this was true beauty. The kind that runs deep, deep down inside a person, so deep they don't even know it's there. The kind of beauty that just radiates from them with every breath and the kind of beauty that can destroy any man. Because that's what she'd done to him. Not on purpose, not even because of breaking up with him, but because from the moment his lips met hers in a sweaty, stinking changing room with blood on their hands, he was destroyed, inside and out. He'd thought then that she could be his greatest love and he knew now that she was. His thumb brushed away a tear gently, his other hand rising to smooth away the hair falling around her face.

"Rae?" He questioned, "Say something, please?" His throat tightened and he swallowed hard, as she sniffed, still unable to look him in the eye as a long silence filled the room, broken only by the beating of their own hearts.

"Stay." She whispered barely even audible, still looking down at her hands, the back of one of them bright red from her scratching. She cleared her throat, her eyes flickering up to him for just a second as she tried again with a little more force. "Stay."

Without pause he was on her, his lips crashing onto hers as his hand pushed into her hair, pulling her to him with a desperate urgency. He could taste her tears on her lips and it filled his heart with sadness that he couldn't fix her with something as simple as a kiss. _Kiss me back!_ He silently urged as he realised she was still motionless against his lips. _Oh god, please kiss me back! _And then she did. Her lips parting against his as his tongue snaked between them, flickering against the tip of her tongue as he heard a quiet, gentle moan from her. He began to stand up, never breaking his lips from hers as his other hand grabbed at her waist, trying to pull every part of her against him just to feel her again. He'd missed her closeness so much, feeling her body pushed up against his. He felt her relax in his arms, leaning backwards, pulling him onto her and he let her. Her fingers worked their way up his spine to his neck, tickling him along the base of his hairline before working deep into his hair, sending shivers through his body.

He'd forgotten what it was like to have her lips against his, it was like the whole world melted away into nothing and he hoped that somehow she understood how that felt.

When he had her lips, he was okay; nothing hurt any more.

He was whole.


	2. Chapter 2 - Landslide

[**A/N**: Sorry for the slow update of chapter 2, been busy in life and should be studying for exams…oops! I have an overall direction in mind and this slight diversion was needed to be able to eventually get there, be patient and it will all come together eventually :) Would love to get your feedback, very new this whole fanfic/writing thing and would love to know if people want me to continue or not! Enjoy (I hope!) :) ]

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Pulling back, Finn slid his fingers through her hair, tucking the lose strands behind her ear as they nestled gently together, their bodies pressed close. He sighed a shaky breath, staring into her eyes and reading so many emotions flashing across them as they shone in the dim light of her room, her tears still glistening. _I love 'er_, flashed through his mind as he continued to gaze at her with wonder, still scared that one breath wrong and his world could end all over again, like it did that dark night on his doorstep with a leather jacket thrust into his arms.

"Rae, I…uh, I wann' tell you something," he stuttered, unsure of how she'd react but certain that he needed her to know, right there and then. "Rae, I lov…"

"No", she muttered, shaking her head vehemently and pushing against his arm as if desperate to get away. "No, not that Finn, don't say that, I don't believe it" tumbled from her lips, her eyes widening with fear.

"I don't care if you don't believe it, Rae, that don't make it untrue", he continued, desperation and frustration rising in his voice. "I do, I love…"

"NO". She pushed against him hard, moving him away as she swung her legs around from the bed and stood up. He watched her stiffen as she rose, her muscles tightening beneath her clothes as her walls were built up around her, brick by solid brick. "I don't want to hear that, Finn, don't say that. I can't hear that".

He sank back into the bed, his hand coming up to rub against his face with exhaustion. He felt suddenly tired, a deep knot forming low down in his stomach, like a hangover from the night before, except this time there were no happy, patchy memories to ease the feeling. Leaving the back of his hand resting across his eyes, blocking out the dim glow of the bedside lamp and the children's wallpaper staring back at him, he quietly muttered, "Why?" Resignation tinged the simple question with a deep sadness that left his voice sounding flat in the silence of the room.

"Because."

"Because WHY, Rae?"

"Jus' because."

He sighed, giving in. He knew that sometimes he could make her talk and sometimes he couldn't. He knew that sometimes she would allow him a glimpse into her world, her mind, and sometimes she wouldn't. He knew that sometimes, for just the briefest of moments, she would relax into his arms and his kiss and would let him show her what he truly felt as he curled his tongue against hers. And sometimes, she wouldn't. Or maybe, sometimes she couldn't. He ran his fingers through his hair, blinking back a familiar prickling feeling in the back of his eyes. _Don't cry, you fuckin' twat. Don't fuckin' cry. _He couldn't let her see that, he wanted to be there, really there for her, so he had to stay strong enough for the both of them and he knew that crying on her Care Bear bedding wasn't going to prove anything to her. He hadn't let anyone see him cry since the day his mum had left anyway, and he couldn't change that now.

He remembered back to the day she'd left, standing at the bay window of the house watching her as she carried an overstuffed suitcase to her car. He remembered her struggling to lift it, her face scrunched up, her nose crinkled at the weight of it in her hands. He remembered his dad behind him, telling him to be strong, as he watched her pause at the driver's door, unable to look back towards the house before climbing in. He remembered the silent tears running down his cheeks as she started the engine, not having the courage to look up at the house, her eyes kept firmly away. All Finn had known in that one moment was a broken heart and the feeling that he just hadn't been good enough. Perhaps if he'd done better at school, or behaved better, or hadn't broken the kitchen window with his football the summer before, or cried when he'd skinned his knees and hands coming off his new bike on Christmas Day, perhaps then she could have loved him more and stayed. And now, lying in the semi-lit silence of Rae's bedroom, her personality and life sprayed across the walls like graffiti, he felt the same icy cold pain creep into his chest. She didn't love him and she wouldn't let him love her.

Not good enough.

Again.

Swiftly, he pushed himself up from the bed; grabbing his jacket and searching the room for his long-since discarded shoes, muttered swear words floating out with each breath. He heard her turn around and could feel her watching him but he couldn't bring himself to look her in the eye. He didn't have the courage because looking into those eyes, that always seemed so full of wonder and hurt all at once, would push him over the edge and that prickle, that stinging pain at the back of his own would turn to tears and he wouldn't be able to walk out the door again.

"Where th' fuck are my fuckin' shoes, for fuck sake?" He snarled to himself, roaming the carpet with his eyes.

"Jus'…just under the bed". Her voice was small, quiet, and full of tears but he steeled himself against it, his own bricks slotting firmly into place around him. Dropping to a squat his eyes found what he was searching for and he fished the old, comfortable trainers out from their hiding place, standing up to quickly pull them on each feet, tucking the laces loosely down the sides. He stood up, taking a deep, steadying breath as he shrugged his jacket on, stuffing his hands deep into the pockets as he pulled it tightly around himself as he kept his back to her.

"I can't…" he cleared his throat, biting back the crack in his voice as he heard the tiny, sharp intake of breath behind him. "I can't do this right now, Rae. But… but I need you t'know that I'm gonn' stay. You asked me to, and I'm gonna", he swallowed. "For you. I jus', I jus' can't do this right now".

Turning on his heel, still avoiding meeting her wide-eyed, fearful stare with his own he paused, holding his breath deep inside the pit of his lungs, scared to breathe out, before grabbing her suddenly, crushing his lips against hers for one last stolen moment of perfect, before hurrying out the door, shutting it quietly behind him.

He heard a single, strained sob escape from behind him as he jogged quickly down the stairs and out the door into the cold, crisp air of the Lincolnshire night, his fists balled tightly in his pockets, one hand wrapped around the keys to his bike. His heart pounded steadily in his chest as he uncurled his fingers and reached for his helmet with an unsteady grasp, sliding it on and settling himself into the seat. Another shuddered breath was pulled from somewhere deep inside him as he kicked the engine into life and he narrowed his eyes against his pain, refusing to let himself feel it, before pulling out of the driveway and disappearing into the inky blackness of the streets ahead.

"Don't cry, you fuckin' twat. Don't fucking cry."

And he finally breathed out.

Pulling his bike into the shadowy car park he glided to a stop and killed the engine, unsure of how he'd gotten there but relieved that he was. Climbing off he left his helmet swinging gently from one handle as he walked purposefully to the cemetery gates.

"Fuck sake", he muttered, as he noticed the large chain looped through the ornate ironwork gates, rattling the padlock pointlessly as he scanned upwards, weighing up his chances. "Fuck it" he breathed into the wind as he lifted his foot and dragged himself up and over the gates, dropping down the other side and scanning his surroundings to make sure he was clear.

Effortlessly, without thought, he navigated his way through the headstones and statues, some pathways carved deeply in his memory forever. It had only been seven months since his Nan had died but he'd visited her every week, tidying her grave while the music from his headphones filtered through the fog of pain in his heart. He watched other people tearfully pay visits to long-lost loved ones and watched the muttered prayers or quiet chatter about life without them, but had never had the words to talk to his Nan. He wasn't good with words, but now that she was gone and all that was left were memories, it felt even harder. Turning past a tall, praying angel he took the last few steps to her plot, his heart calming into a dull ache of sadness and longing. He dropped quietly to his knees, his fingers reaching out to trace across the carved dash between her birth and death, feeling how it was already smoothing from the weather, or perhaps his own touch. A dash. _A whole person jus' nuttin' but a tiny, little line. _He thought to himself sadly.

"She were my Nan", pierced through the silence of the night that wrapped around him, and he jumped slightly at his own voice. "She were my Nan and she were more than a little fuckin' line!" He snarled into the air, his lips curling back in pain and anger as his voice broke and a single, choked sob escaped from within his chest before suddenly years of hurt and rage tumbled out in breathless cries as he finally let himself break.

"Why'd you 'ave to go an' fuckin' die, Nan? I need you. I always needed you. I've got no one, Nan, not anymore. Mum's gone, dad just laughs his way throu' fuckin' life and Rae…fuck, Nan. Rae. I love her, Nan, I love her so hard it breaks me up inside and she won't let me love her 'cause she's broken more than me." A wet, tear-stained laugh bubbled from his lips as he wiped his nose with the back of his hand. "There's a fuckin' joke ain't it, Nan. Broken more than the stupid twat sat in wet grass at midnight cryin' to a gravestone. Fuck".

Pushing himself to his feet he paced back and forth in front of the small, neat little plot, the overgrown graves of the neighbours showing the signs of lives forgotten after death.

"How do I do it, Nan? Tell me. Please? Show me somehow. Show me how it is that I don't fuck it all up. Show me how t'love her, Nan. She needs me." He paused, the tiredness and exhaustion washing over him once more, muttering under his breath as he slowly sank back to his knees, before turning to lean his back gently against the gravestone. Dropping his head to rest against the cool, damp stone his voice grew soft, his tears slowly drying, his eyes becoming heavy.

"You'd 'ave loved her too, Nan. She's like a fuckin' whirlwin' or summat. Always bangin' on about it, always talkin'. And her music, Nan, fuck she knows her music", he sniffed, yawning away his wistful smile.

"Nah, ya know summat, Nan, she's not a whirlwin' at all, she's like a landslide. Yeah. She starts off all slow like, at first, quiet like, but once you know her, she just tumbles throu' your life and you jus' get swept along. Yeah. That's her", he sighed; his eyes closing as he wrapped himself up into his coat.

"A fuckin' landslide."


	3. Chapter 3 - Caught

**A/N: This chapter is a bit longer than the last two, hopefully not too long though! Chapter 4 coming soon I hope, although really should be studying for my exams haha. If I fail, do you think I could blame MMFD and Rinn? :D **

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"OI! OI! WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN HERE?"

The shouts jarred Finn awake as he blinked against the piercing sunlight and felt the tight knot of an awkward position form slowly at the base of his neck. He rubbed his eyes to focus through his sleepiness and saw an angry looking man jogging towards him, waving his fist.

"Oh fuck!" hurried from his lips as she scrambled to his feet, shooting a glance backwards at the small, simple headstone. _See ya later, Nan, I love ya but I gotta run!_ Flashed though his mind as he smirked and started to sprint through the cemetery, dodging statues and monuments, glancing behind him as he watched his tracker losing steam. Running through the gates he pulled the keys of his bike from his pocket and settled himself quickly into the seat, kicking the engine into life as he reached for his helmet and pulled it quickly down as the old man huffed his way through the gates.

"Yeah that's it, be gone wi' ya, ya little scrote!" filtered through Finn's helmet as he watched the man bend, hands on his knees, as he panted and half-heartedly waved him away. Finn gave him a short salute and pulled away into the streets, laughing to himself quietly. Cracking his neck as he weaved his way through the early morning traffic Finn let his mind wander through the night before, snapshots flashing across his eyes as he remembered Rae, the kisses, the feel of her body against his, the tears, and the pain in his chest as he closed her door behind him. He sighed deeply, confused and unsure of what to do or how to do it. He needed someone to talk to, someone who could understand and who could help him. Someone who was preferably alive.

He pulled into his own driveway and felt a sense of relief that his father's car was nowhere to be seen. He loved his dad and knew he was a good guy but since Finn's mother had left he'd taken it upon himself to create the happiest house on earth, full of smiles and laughter and happy-go-lucky days. But none of it was real, it all felt so forced and sometimes all Finn wanted was someone to turn to who would understand that sometimes life was just a little bit shit, not someone who would wrap a ribbon and tie a balloon to every problem and wave it away with a smile. He knew he couldn't talk to his dad about Rae, not seriously, and he mentally crossed him off the list as he pushed through the front door, leaving his helmet hanging from the banister of the stairs and making his way to the kitchen. _Tea._ He thought to himself. _Tea makes everythin' better. _And he busied himself with putting the kettle on before leaning against the counter and pulling his tobacco from his pocket. His long, skilled fingers quickly rolled a cigarette and he placed it casually between his lips as the kettle clicked off as he made his tea, before heading out the back door into the garden. Sitting on the step he hugged the tea to himself, the warmth melting away the icy pain still aching in his chest from the night before as he lit his cigarette and took a long, slow drag. Closing his eyes, he exhaled slowly and let the rush of the nicotine work it's way through his body, soothing him from the inside.

Sipping his tea he slowly opened his eyes, squinting against the sunlight once again as he cupped the hot mug in his hands, watching the smoke from his rollie curling into the sunshine, mesmerising him in his thoughts. He went back to writing his mental list of people he could talk to, scribbling a line through his dad as he did so. _Chloe?_ He thought to himself, wincing at it. _No, not Chloe._ He knew how she felt about him; at least he thought he did. She never said anything directly, but her face was still burnt into his mind after he'd explained he shouldn't have kissed her at the rave, that it had been a drunken, drug-fuelled mistake because he hadn't meant it and you shouldn't kiss people if you don't mean it. She acted like it was no big deal but he could still see her eyes glistening over at his words and he'd hurried off to save them both the pain of her tears.

_Archie?_ Probably the most sensible lad he knew and one of the bravest. Finn had always known Archie was gay, he'd just waited quietly until he was ready to tell people, but he knew telling people was going to be as hard as it was proving to be. He did his best to protect him from the comments and the stares, but he couldn't do as much as he wanted to, he couldn't be there all the time. Archie had his own problems. _No, not Archie._ The scribbled lines of his mental list growing with each member of the gang.

_Chop?_ His face scrunched up into a scoffed smile as he laughed quietly, taking another sip of his tea and another drag from his cigarette. _No._ He thought with a smile. Izzy was no better of an option, he loved that beautiful, tiny redhead to death but she wasn't easy for him to talk to, not really talk. _So, not the gang then._ He thought to himself sadly, knowing that the one member of the gang he always could talk to was the one he couldn't now. Rae.

Finishing the dregs of his tea and flicking the end of his cigarette into the flowerpot by the door, he stood up as his aching neck and shoulders reminded him that he needed the hot water of a shower to ease his pains, both inside and out. Placing the mug in the sink, he trotted slowly up the stairs, opening his bedroom door and kicking off his trainers as he walked in, shrugging his jacket from his shoulders and tossing it across the chair. Glancing at the clock beside his bed he noticed the time, 8:45am, still so early, but not the first time that Finn had rolled in at this time, much to his dad's amusement. One time, Finn wanted him to get angry rather than just roll his eyes with a cheeky grin and pretend like it was all fine. Finn wanted him to be a proper dad.

Stretching and yawning, Finn walked to the messy stack of CDs piled beside his stereo and turntable, pulling a handful from the top and flicking through them, finding the album that he knew he needed. Slipping the Stone Roses CD into his stereo he tapped through to the song he wanted; the song that had been on repeat since the moment Rae had broken up with him; the song that scribbled Rae across his heart. The familiar strum of the baseline filled his room as he pushed the repeat button and twisted the volume higher.

'_I can feel the earth begin to move, I hear my needle hit the groove…'_

He walked out of the room, his head nodding along as he slipped into the bathroom, pulling his t-shirt off and discarding it in the wash basket by the sink before undoing his belt, pulling his jeans and boxers down in one swift motion, stepping out of them and kicking them aside along with his socks, as he reached for the taps and turned the shower on, the room starting to fill with steam as he stepped inside.

"Have you seen her have you heard, the way she plays there are no words, to describe the way I feel." Singing as he relaxed his head back under the waterr stream, the heat tumbling down his body as he closed his eyes and relaxed into it. "She'll be the first, she'll be the last to describe the way I feel, the way I FEEL" was belted out with a smile as he clumsily reached for the shampoo, his eyes still scrunched closed against the cascading water, rubbing it into his hair as he let himself disappear into the guitars and steam, washing away the night before.

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Wrapping a towel around his waist, Finn made his way back to his bedroom, rubbing his hair with another, the song still filling the house as he collapsed back onto his bed, his legs dangling from the edge as he watched the clouds pass over the skylight window above him, his hands curling to rest under his head, the damp hair slipping between his fingers as he laced them together. He felt better having washed away the smell of damp grass and the knots of the night, but he knew he still needed to talk to someone about Rae, get the advice he so desperately needed. For the first time in a long time he wished his mum were there. _Mums know th' answers to this kinda shit,_ he thought to himself with a wistful sigh, until he sat up, propping himself up on his elbows, pulling a face at the idea that had entered his mind before deciding he had nothing to lose but to try.

Standing up he pulled open the dresser drawers, grabbing clean underwear and then sliding himself into his staple jeans and a clean, white t-shirt, as his towel landed on the floor where he stood. Grabbing his jacket he pulled it around himself as he flicked the power off on his stereo, the sudden silence leaving the house feeling empty, before jogging down the stairs, grabbing his helmet on the way past, as he headed out of the door, climbing onto his bike and riding off determinedly.

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Finn glided his bike into Rae's driveway with a lurch in his stomach and a skip in his heartbeat, the familiar nervous excitement coursing through his veins, as he killed the engine and climbed off the bike. Pulling his helmet off he took a deep breath and knocked, ruffling his slightly damp hair nervously, trying to look presentable as he straightened his jacket. Her mum, heavily pregnant and looking tired, opened the door and he smiled sheepishly at her.

"Hi, Mrs Bouchtat" he uttered quietly, suddenly feeling like he was making a huge mistake.

"Hello, Finn love. Rae's at college." She said, almost questioningly, her face scrunching with confusion at his presence, her hand absentmindedly rubbing circles over her growing stomach.

"I…I know, I've, uh, I've actually come t'see you", he looked down at his feet as he spoke, his nerves tingling through him. "I was… I was wondering if we could talk. Abou' Rae…and me… and stuff. I mean, only if it's okay, I don't wann' bother ya, Mrs Bouchtat, like if you're busy or summat, it's okay. I mean ya prob'ly are, I should go, I'm sorry, this was stupid, I just thought, I…I thought, maybe, you, but, no never mind, I'm sorry like", his head shaking off his own foolishness as he turned to leave before he felt her hand gently rest against his arm, turning him back.

"Finn, love, call me Linda. Do you want tea?" She smiled warmly at him, a motherly smile, and his nerves eased a little as he smiled back sheepishly, nodding as he swallowed his fear and stepped inside the door, following her through to the kitchen. "Take ya coat off, love, no need t'be formal here" as she waved her hands at him, urging him to give her his jacket and helmet, placing them down and nodding towards the dining table. "Go, sit, I'll make the brew", she smiled, and Finn moved quietly through the room, watching her busying herself in the kitchen, pausing every now and then as she rubbed at her stomach.

_She looks like a mum,_ he though to himself sadly, a deep longing forming in the pit of his stomach, watching her as she made her way slowly towards him, a warm smile masking the tired, strained look in her eyes as she carried the cups. Rising to his feet he, reached out, taking the mugs from her and setting them down on the table, pulling the chair out for her as she sat, nodding gratefully, her hand wrapped protectively around her unborn baby, shifting uncomfortably. "Do you wan' a cushion or summat?" He asked, looking around the living room and reaching for a small pillow on the nearby armchair, offering it to her with wide, uncertain eyes.

"Thanks, love" she smiled, taking it from him and pushing it into the small of her back with a look of relief. "Thas' better. Now, what were it you wanted to talk about, love? You and Rae?"

He sat back down, his hands nervously clutching around the mug of steaming tea, staring at the wisps of steam rising as he nodded slowly. "Yeah," he sighed, "Me and Rae." He raised the mug to his lips, taking a small sip to prepare himself to talk before clearing his throat. "We kinda talked thin's out las' night. Kinda…kinda got back t'gether, I guess. But then…then she got upset 'cause I tried t'tell her how I were feelin' and I jus' couldn't deal wi' it and I ran off. I know tha' wasn't good to do, I wanna be there for 'er, I really do, jus' sometimes…sometimes she makes it so 'ard". He rubbed at his eye with the back of his hand, the familiar tiredness creeping back into his head. Linda smiled sadly back at him, nodding softly.

"I know, love, I know. Rae… Rae's goin' throu' a lot right now, she's not actin' herself. We've been fightin' 'ere, she's been bein' rude and stayin' out all night, I don't know what t'do wi' 'er anymore", her bottom lip trembled as she spoke, her hand shaking slightly against her mug. "I di'nt even know you two'd split up, tha' explains a lot, I guess. I think college is too much for 'er right now too, but I don't want 'er to stop goin'. She jus' needs to find 'er way on 'er own, I think. I don't know." Her hand came up to her mouth, holding her lips firmly, as if she was desperately trying to hold back the weeks of tears and Finn reached his hand out across the table, patting her arm awkwardly, and she clutched at his hand, squeezing it tightly. "Oh, love. You really care 'bout 'er don't you, I can see it in your face".

He nodded vehemently, the prickle returning at the back of his eyes. "I really do Mrs Bouch…Linda, I really do, I love 'er. I jus' don't know how to sometimes. I jus' needed someone t'tell me how to love 'er." He looked at Linda with sad, desperate eyes.

"I wish I knew, love." She muttered as her face scrunched up, her bottom lip wobbling against the tears rising up in her eyes, until suddenly, with a shake of her head it was gone. "Oh look at me, this bloody baby is killin' me," she laughed, "I cried at Wheel of Fortune th' other day!" Her hand rubbed gently at her bump and Finn watched her through his lashes as she dipped her head to look down at her own stomach, the overwhelming love radiating from her face.

_Tha' baby's not even born yet and she loves it so much._ He thought to himself sadly, his heart yearning for someone to love him that much too.

"Sometimes, I don't think she'll ever let me just love 'er like I do", he muttered quietly. "I don't think she knows wha' she's done t'me." He glanced up at Linda's sad smile, sighing, both of them focused deeply on the other, the world around them fading away as they thought about their Rae. "It's like she's some kinda disease that I've caught, 'cept I don't think I can cure it" he laughed, his eyes crinkling slightly at the edges before they flickered up, widening as he looked past Linda's head.

"I'M A FUCKIN' DISEASE?" Rae yelled, standing open-mouthed in the doorway, her keys still dangling from her hand. "SO NOW YOU'RE SNEAKIN' ROUND HERE TO TALK T'MY FUCKIN' MUM 'BOUT NOT BEING ABLE TO CURE YA'SELF OF ME?" She snarled at him, her fists balling at her sides as tears sprang into her eyes.

"Rae, love, Finn was jus…" Linda turned, her hands reaching out to try to calm her but Rae backed away, shaking her head.

"NO! I DON'T WANT T'HEAR IT. I DON'T NEED T'KNOW HOW MUCH YOU TWO CLEARLY FUCKIN' 'ATE ME. MUST MAKE YA BOTH _REALLY_ 'APPY THAT." She screeched, slamming her keys down on the countertop, her eyes still shining with tears.

"No, Rae, ya don't understand, I were tryin' t'say tha…" Finn's words tumbled out of his mouth as he tried to rush towards her, realising she had only heard just a small fragment of the conversation, but as he reached out to her she pushed him sharply away, forcing her way past him.

"LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE, FINN. JUS' GO AWAY AN' LEAVE ME ALONE. THIS IS WHY I DIDN'T WAN' T'GO OUT WI' YA ANYMORE!"

And with that she disappeared back out the front door.

Finn started to move quickly to follow her, to chase her down and make her listen to him but the gentle hand on his shoulder held him back. "Let her go, Finn love, jus' let her go calm down, there's no talkin' t' 'er when she's like this" she sighed, sadly, moving to shakily sit back down as Finn turned to look at her, her face pale and her hand wrapped protectively around her stomach.

"Are you okay?" He asked, kneeling before her worriedly.

"I'll be fine, love, I'm jus' tired. Mini Bouchtat's been keepin' me up at night" she smiled with a forced reassurance. "Don't you worry 'bout me", a weak, colourless smile strained across her lips.

_I'm worried 'bout everythin'_, Finn thought to himself, a tired despondence settling into his heart as he looked back at the closed front door, his heart aching.


	4. Chapter 4 - Blood

**A/N: Sorry for the slow updates, I promise once the exams are finished (last one 16th May) I'm going to enjoy my summer by writing more regularly (in between working anyway lol!) **

* * *

Finn pushed through the doors to the pub and out of the cold, dark December night, his face screwed up into a look of worry as his helmet dangled from his hand. He'd spent the afternoon searching for Rae, riding the streets of Stamford, sweeping the faces of passers-by, desperately looking for her long, dark locks tumbling down over the shoulders of her leather jacket above the heads of the nameless faces of Lincolnshire. Going to the pub was his last resort and he glanced down at his watch, 5:35pm, the gang would be showing up soon to laugh their way through a few pints and he hoped she'd be there to join them.

He scanned the pub and his eyes fell to their usual spot, where Chop and Archie were already seated, pints in front of them, but no Rae. He looked towards the bar but only two old regulars leaned lazily against it for support as they muttered to each other through drunken slurs, but no Rae. Finally, he looked towards the jukebox, but the empty space showed that yet again, there was no Rae. He took a step towards Chop and Archie and continued to look around, his heart desperate to hear her voice, or smell her familiar scent as he felt her breathe against his neck.

"Finn, mate! Where you been, lad?" Yelled Chop, standing up to greet him with a toothy grin and outstretched arms. "We were just talking abou' 'ow you'd gone AWOL on us the last few days!" as he pulled Finn in to an awkward hug across the table.

"You seen Rae?" Finn asked, pulling away as he continued to scan around the room, still desperately searching.

"No sir, why?" Chop asked as he sat back down and took a sip of his lager.

"She's missing".

Archie's head shot up quickly, and a worried look darkened his face with panic set quickly behind it. "Since when? Have you called the police? Why aren't you out looking for her?" he rattled off as he stood and grabbed his jacket, as Finn held out his hand to quiet him.

"Woah, Arch, one at a time, yeah?" Finn replied as he patted his best friend on the shoulder gently. "Since this morning, she over'eard me talkin' to her mam 'bout some shit and mis'eard…well, uh…misunderstood, I guess, summat I said and she ran off. I 'av been out looking for her. All day so far. I just 'oped she'd be 'ere or you lot'd seen 'er!" he sighed, rubbing his forehead with guilt.

"What did ya say 'bout Raemundo to her mam?" Chop asked and his brows furrowed as he tried to decide whether or not he needed to be angry.

"Does it matter?" Finn sighed and the familiar exhaustion of the last two days swept over him again.

"If ya made her run off wi'out a word, I'd say yes, lad, it fuckin' does! You know she ain't well, mate. You know, she's… fragile" Chop muttered, dropping his voice with his head as he said 'fragile', as if just saying the word could break her into a thousand tiny pieces.

"I know! It were nothin' bad when you 'eard all of it, but she only 'eard the end and it sounded bad. She jus' 'eard me say that bein' wi' 'er was like catchin' a disease that I couldn't cure or summat like that." Finn sank down into a chair and his head drooped as he stared at his helmet in his hands. He fought back the lump that had bubbled up into his throat as he heard both Chop and Archie mutter under their breath with protective anger. "But, ya don't understan', I was sayin' how much I care for 'er."

"It doesn't fuckin' sound like it!" Archie spat.

"No, it don't, when ya just 'ear that bit, but I said more. I were tryin' to find out 'ow to make sure I didn't fuck it all up wi' 'er, so I could proper be there for 'er. I was sayin' 'ow much I fuckin' care 'bout 'er," he paused and shook his head at his own foolishness, "it's just that sometimes I feel like I'm in too deep, like I'm drownin' in 'er or summat. Like I'm fuckin' addicted to her."

Chop sucked his teeth, and put his hand on Finns shoulder comfortingly, "I get ya, mate. I think. She just 'eard the last bit tho' yeah? And then ran off?"

Finn nodded and slowly flicked his gaze up through his lashes to Archie and watched him look off into the distance his mouth set into a hard line. "Arch?"

"Hmmm" Archie hummed, as he slowly focused back on the pint in front of him as he took a deep breath, still clearly worried and panicked that Rae was missing. "Yeah, okay, okay, I can see what you mean, I guess" he sighed, begrudgingly. "But we need to find her, Chop's right, she's…fragile".

"Maybe we should try Chlo'? If she's not there maybe she'd know where she might go?" Chop offered as he gathered his coat together and waved at Finn and Archie to get ready to leave. Archie nodded in agreement and hurried Finn on to his feet, before the three lads headed back out into the icy blackness of the evening and to their waiting bikes. 

* * *

Finn took in the size of the property, feeling small and unworthy yet again, as they pulled into the large, open driveway of Chloe's house. He had never felt right visiting Chloe there; it felt like he was an intruder in a world in which he clearly didn't belong. Swimming pools and saunas were great for parties, but he always felt like a little poor boy playing at the rich kids' house with every visit, and he sighed deeply as he pulled his helmet off still sat on his bike, staring up at the house. Chop and Archie hurried past him to the door, neither one feeling self-conscious or out of place.

Despite how he acted, Chop had grown up in a house that made Chloe's look like a shed and his family, although now mostly absent in his life, had plenty of money. Archie was from a more humble, hard-working background, but with two professional parents with respectable jobs, he was a quiet, kind middle-class kind of lad with a bright future. Chloe's parents knew this about them both and always welcomed them with open arms. Finn on the other hand had always been somewhat looked down upon by them. His dad, albeit a half-decent salesman who wore a suit to work, didn't earn much and their small, two-up-two-down house was nothing like the sprawling mass Chloe's parents had moved into, and in their eyes his dad's suit might as well have been a stained pair of overalls.

Finn steeled himself against the look he knew he would get and slid off of his bike and followed the lads to the door as he stayed at the back as Archie reached out to the doorbell. He looked down at the ground and shifted uncomfortably, as his finger rubbed nervously at his ear before he shivered slightly as the door opened and Chloe's mother stood there.

"Archie, Arnold, how lovely to see you both", she exclaimed happily, a smile beamed out at them both as Chop dug his foot into the gravel at the sound of his real name. She looked back to the uncomfortable Finn as he tried to hide himself from her rapidly cooled look. "Finn". She nodded at him, curtly.

"Hello Mrs Gemmel, is Chloe in?" Archie asked politely with a smile, "We really need to talk to her".

"Yes, she's upstairs in her room, do you want me to call her down or do you just want to go on up?" She smiled a warm, inviting smile as she opened the door and Chop and Archie thanked her as they stepped inside. Finn quietly stepped forward as he watched her straighten up, her shoulders pulled back as her eyes travelled down him in one, disapproving appraisal. "Shoes", she muttered in a clipped tone, as she pointed a long manicured finger at his feet. He looked towards the lads as they began to climb the stairs towards Chloe's room and noticed their shoes were still firmly in place. She had tilted her head and almost invited him to disobey her as he dropped his eyes from hers and slipped his feet from his trainers and moved hurriedly off to the stairs. He looked back quickly and watched her kick at his shoes with a pointed stiletto as if they may have been diseased. He rubbed his forehead again before he turned to trot up the stairs after Chop and Archie.

Finn's head ached as he stepped inside Chloe's room, as the various shades of pink and stencilled flowers on the walls assaulted his eyes painfully. _She's nuttin' like Rae,_ he thought to himself as he wondered how two people so opposite had become such long-time friends. He glanced around the posters on the walls with a frown as several blond, blue-eyed boy-band members smiled back at him seductively, each looking as identical as the others.

"Chlo'" Archie started, hurrying towards her, as she looked up from her position on her bed, where her head had been buried in a magazine, "Have you seen Rae?" he asked, as panic rose once more in his voice.

"Heya lads," she smiled warmly, her eyes lingering over Finn as something flashed across her face that he couldn't quite read, "No, why?" _What were that?_ He wondered, furrowing his brows for a second as she looked away, almost guiltily.

"She's missing. She overheard dippy bollocks 'ere sayin' summat and got th'wrong idea and ran off. We need t'find 'er", Chop stepped in, "Got any ideas where she might go like?" he asked.

Chloe looked thoughtful for a moment, her eyes searching the distance as she gazed out the window into the dark before shaking her head. "No, sorry. No, I dunno," she paused again, looking slowly sideways to Finn, before quietly asking, "What ya say that were so bad to make her run off, Finn?" She paused for a second, before she added "I thought you two were finished now anyways." And her tone left the words as a statement and not a question.

"It don't matter", he sighed again, his frustration catching up with his words,"what matters is she 'eard it wrong. I were tellin' 'er mam 'ow much I care for 'er, and I, I tried to explain how it made me feel sometimes and she's run off thinkin' that I think summat bad of 'er and she's so wrong, she's world fuckin' class for fuck sake. 'Ow could I ever think summat bad of 'er?" His voice rose louder as his frustration took over and he growled, "I fuckin' love her!"

Three faces snapped around to look at him in shock and he shrank back for a second before he pulled himself up, as a defiance flashed across his face.

"Yeah. I fuckin' love 'er. So what?" he muttered testily, as he jutted his chin up as if to dare them all, as they looked on with raised eyebrows.

"Does she know that?" Archie asked quietly.

"I tried to tell 'er," Finn sighed again, "But she wouldn't let me say it. It were like I were trying to tell 'er summat bad. That's why I went to see 'er mam in first place. I wanna be there for 'er, proper support 'er and I don't know 'ow". His head hung low once more, confusion pooled across his eyes, before Chloe's small, quiet voice broke his thoughts.

"'Ow long 'ave you loved 'er?" she asked, as her voice shook slightly and Finn furrowed his brows. _Summat is up wi' 'er, she knows summat she aint lettin' on, _he thought to himself warily.

"Since she took my 20p," tumbled out of his mouth and he looked shocked, having not even realised it himself until that moment that he had loved her for so long, but he had. "It were the way she done it," he smiled, "she were 'aving none of my shit. It were like she were provin' 'erself worthy of 'anging round wi' us or summat and I couldn't believe it. I'm nobody special but it were like she were deliberately tryin' t'show me up, show me that she were worth it. No one ever has balls t'do that wi' me most of th' time. Not girls anyway." He added as he laughed at Archie's eyebrows climbing further up his brow. "Girls just wanna touch me an' laugh at what I say, even if I weren't tellin' a joke," he rolled his eyes, "it gets real borin' real quick. Rae. Well, Rae wan'ed t'talk t'me, like proper talk. I 'ate talkin', I'm no good at it, but here was this proper mint lass, who likes all th'same shit I do an' she wan'ed t'know more about me than how t'get in me pants!" He looked shocked again, like he still couldn't believe it. "I knew f'sure when I kissed 'er," he added quietly, a shy grin creeping across his face as he looked down once more and nervously rubbed at his ear. "I wan'ed that love letter t'be from 'er but I don't think it were", he mused out loud, remembering the look on her face when Chloe had announced it in the pub and remembering how he had hoped that he had seen jealousy flash across her face.

Suddenly aware that he was sharing more than he'd even had the guts to share with Rae, he clamped his mouth shut with wide eyes that darted between Archie and Chop, looking for signs of mocking. Smiling eyes looked back at him, but without a hint of laughter at all.

"I fuckin' love Izzeh" Chop smiled dopily into the room as the three others held back their sniggers. "What?" He exclaimed with a smile, "I fuckin' do!"

"We know!" The three all chimed together, laughing, why they were together in the first place momentarily forgotten. Archie's face was the first to fall as he quietly cleared his throat.

"Rae. We need to find Rae, guys". His bottom lip quivered slightly and Finn slapped him gently on the back.

"Ya sure, Chlo, that ya got no ideas?" Finn asked, his hand rubbing slightly between Archie's shoulder blades, not wanting his best friend to cry for fear of not being able to hold back his own troubled tears.

She shook her head gently, her eyes staring down at her bed sadly and Finn narrowed his eyes at her again, before he pushed his worries aside and motioned for the lads to resume their search. He looked out the window and knew the temperature was dropping quickly. _She'll fuckin' freeze t'death if we don't find her soon_. He thought to himself as the pain of the idea of her coming to harm dug into his stomach like a rusty blade, followed swiftly by the torturous thought of her doing harm to herself.

The three boys turned wearily away, shuffling their way out of Chloe's bedroom, with muttered goodbyes and demands for her to come find them if Rae showed up. They made their way down the stairs and back out the door to their bikes as Finn lagged behind trying to hurriedly pull his trainers on as he stepped out onto the gravel in his socks, desperate to escape. He looked at his watch before he pulled his helmet on over his head, his teeth chattering against the cold as another concern flashed into his mind. 7pm. _She should be 'ome, eating 'ot pot with her mam and Karim, watchin' telly. _ He thought to himself and the realisation of how worried her mother would be hit him full force in the chest. He leaned over towards Archie, tapping him on his helmet as he started his engine.

"Linda'll be goin' spare," he shouted through his helmet, "We gotta go t'Rae's and make sure she's okay!" and he gestured with his hand for them to follow him, before he pulled out and headed back out into the dark streets.

* * *

The wind howled through his helmet as Finn shivered and opened the throttle of his bike, only slowing once to let an ambulance through as it's sirens blared and lights flashed into the dark sky like fireworks. He wound his way through the familiar streets to Rae's home, before he glided into the driveway and killed his engine quickly. He heard Chop and Archie pull in behind him moments later, their muffled voices filtered through his helmet as they complained to each other about having struggled to keep up with his speed, as he climbed quickly from his bike and stormed towards the front door. He rang the doorbell and knocked loudly as he pulled his helmet off while he watched a shadowy figure move towards the door inside, swinging it open quickly.

Karim stood before him, wide-eyed and panic-striken and Finn felt the air leave his lungs as he saw blood smeared across his hands, and a pool of it dragged across the floor behind him. "What the fu…" he started but stumbled backwards as Karim pushed past him, his broken English catching in his throat as his eyes filled with tears.

"Linda. Linda hospital. I go. Baby. I go!" he motioned to his car and hurried off, looking back as Finn shouted after him.

"We 'aven't found Rae yet, we'll keep lookin' for 'er!"

"Rae, Linda, hospital. Rae there" he gestured off into the distance and climbed into the car, tears slipping down his cheeks as Chop and Archie gathered round to see what had happened, "I go! Okay?" he nodded.

"I'll follow you," Finn replied as he readied himself to slip his helmet back on.

"No, no. You home. I go, Rae go, you home. Okay?" Karim nodded again before he pulled his door closed, started the car and sped off out of the driveway with a screech, leaving Finn standing, scared.

"What's 'appened, lad?" Chop asked, looking back towards the house, the front door still open. "He aint locked the door or nuttin!" he muttered as he walked towards the house to close up. Archie watched Chop over his shoulder briefly before he looked back at Finn with concern, but his head snapped back around as they both heard Chop gasp with horror, "Fuck me, lads, tha's a lotta blood. What fuck 'appened. Is Raemundo okay?" he asked, panic and fear etched deep across his face.

"It's Linda, Rae's mam, summats 'appened with the baby. Rae's gone t'hospital wi' 'er, she's safe" Finn nodded, his own fear swirled around inside of him with the feelings of relief mixed in, which left him feeling sick. "D'ya think we should go in and try cleanin' up or summat? So they don't come 'ome t'all that blood?" He asked Archie, looking pale.

"Um, no, I think we best leave it mate," he shook his head, and looked just as pale, "not our place, ya know. Let's just make sure it's all locked up and wait for news. Close it up, Chop," he shouted back over his shoulder and they both watched Chop pull the door closed before checked his hands in the streetlight for signs of blood afterwards.

They settled onto their bikes in silent solitude, each boy lost in their own thoughts as they stared into the darkness, unsure of their feelings. Chop sighed deeply, and shook his head as if his thoughts were nothing more than rain droplets on his hair that could be sprinkled away. "Pint?" He asked into the air, but Archie just shook his head silently.

"Nah, mate, I'm gonna go 'ome and wait and see if anyone calls 'bout Linda". Finn replied, pulling his helmet on to shield his face from the cold breeze.

Chop nodded solemnly and reached for his helmet and pulled it on.

"Fuck, that were a lot of blood" disappeared into the darkness and the sound of their engines revving as one by one, they pulled away and drove quietly to their homes.


	5. Chapter 5 - Hi

**A/N: Enjoy :) I still can't believe people like it lol! **

* * *

"Hi"

Finn pulled into the driveway of his house as his stomach churned with a mixture of worry and hunger all at once, and he realised he hadn't eaten since the day before. He sighed heavily, feeling tired and frustrated, like the world around him was crumbling to his feet and he couldn't pick the pieces up fast enough to fix them. He slid from his bike slowly, weary from the day and weighed down with the thoughts that ran through his head and the image of a wide-eyed Karim with blood-soaked hands still haunted him as he walked to the front door and let himself in.

"Finn?" his dad, Gary, called out from the other room, within moments of him walking through the door. He let out another sigh as he realised he couldn't escape a grilling. "That you?"

"Yeah," Finn called back as he rolled his eyes, muttering to himself "No other fucker lives here, do they?"

Gary appeared at the kitchen doorway as he wiped his hands on a tea towel and beamed his usual smile. "You alright, lad? Bit late aren't ya?" he asked and looked at his bare wrist as if to check the time.

"Been a bi' of a crazy day, to be honest." Finn stood there and let his shoulders sag with tiredness, "Just wanna get some food and a sit down really". He rubbed at his eyes with his fingertips and pinched at the bridge of his nose.

"Well there's food on hob, prob'ly needs a warm up b'now though. Wha's gone on?" His dad asked nonchalantly as he wandered back into the kitchen, the towel tossed over his shoulder as he pulled a bowl down for Finn, who had followed him in. Gary placed the bowl to one side and then went to sit at the table, a steaming mug of tea already there. Sipping it, he looked up at Finn with raised eyebrows as he still waited for an answer. Finn lifted the lid on the saucepan and sniffed at the pasta inside, before he grabbed a fork and stabbed at it, as he leant against the worktop, the bowl still sat on the side.

"Rae mis'eard summat I said and ran off. I spent all day lookin' for 'er but never found 'er," he started as he took a bite of food and chewed enough until he could continue talking, "but it's okay, she went 'ome 'pparently, but her mam…" He trailed off and swallowed slowly, the image of Karim and the blood slamming back into his head. "Her mam's had a problem wi' th' baby an' got rushed off t'ospital. There were a load of blood all over t'floor. It were 'orrible." He sighed again as he played with the food in the pan and felt his hunger wane. Gary looked at him and slowly drank his tea, a faint look of concern knotted into his forehead, which he tried to fight away so he could remain looking laid-back.

"And where were ya last night?" He asked quietly. His smile had returned to his lips but hadn't quite reached his eyes. "I noticed ya never came home."

Finn stiffened. His dad never got angry but he'd seen that look in his eyes before, it was a lecture being written.

"Well, I went t'see Rae, an' we talked, well, fought, I guess, but kinda made up but then it all got a bit shit and I left cause I were upset and next thin' I know I were visiting Nan an' I fell asleep and got chased out this mornin'", he smiled slyly. "I came 'ome, showered and went t'see Rae's mam and then that all got a bit shit too." He sighed dejectedly before he lifted himself up onto the kitchen worktop and leant back to rest his head on the cupboard as he closed his eyes and waited for the lecture to begin.

"Finn?" His dad started quietly. "'Ow's ya Nan?"

"Still dead". Finn muttered back.

"Aye, I know tha' fuck sake, I mean, 'ow's the grave an' all that?"

"You could always go 'ave a look one day."

"Finn." Gary tutted and shook his head over the familiar argument. He had yet to go and visit his Nan's grave since the day they had buried her. Mourning wasn't something that had come easily to him, Finn guessed, but it still made him mad sometimes. "Not ev'ryone needs a grave to cry at t'miss someone, but that don't mean I don't wan' it t'be nicely kept". Gary took another slow sip of his tea and leant back in his chair as he watched Finn. "You should be sleepin' in ya own bed of a night, Finn. No one else's. Just, ya know, come 'ome after, there's a lad". Gary's voice got small as Finn's eyes flashed open and he stared at his father with a confused frown.

"I weren't doin' nuttin! I fell to sleep in th' cemetery for fuck sake. I weren't sleepin' wi' Rae!" Finn jumped down from the counter and folded his arms with a scowl. His stomach knotted and he shook away the thoughts of how much he wished he had been. He remembered the feel of her beneath him as she had pulled him into her as they had kissed and his skin tingled at the memory. "I'm not a complete bastard ya know! We only just got back t'gether… maybe. I don' even know if we are!" He balled his fists up under his arms and dug his nails into the palms of his hands.

"I just thought…" Gary started.

"Yeah well, next time 'ave a bit more faith in me, yeah?" Finn snapped back as he turned around and punched into the pan with the fork once more as he heard his father sigh and stand up as he walked towards him and placed a hand gently on his shoulder.

"I do, lad. You're a good kid, I know. It's just, well, you're seventeen now, I know what I were doing wi' me life at seventeen…or rather who", he chuckled, "don't make the same mistakes, lad, okay?" Finn stiffened, he knew Gary loved him and he wasn't a bad father, but he knew that his mother had fallen pregnant when both her and Gary were only seventeen. Finn was the mistake.

"Don' plan on it", he muttered, taking another forkful of the now cold pasta as he felt his appetite return. "Da'?" He asked quietly as he found he no longer had the energy to be angry, "Do ya thin' Linda, I mean, Rae's mam, will be okay? It really were a lot o' blood", he shivered again and his father squeezed his shoulder comfortingly.

"I dunno, kidder, I 'ope so. Depen's wha's gone on, I guess. Maybe you'll know more t'morrow" Gary reassured him before he moved away and rubbed his hands together. "Right, I'm shattered lad, you be okay down 'ere on y'own if I go off to bed? Got early start in the mornin'" He asked as he started to walk towards the door and Finn nodded, taking another forkful of pasta. "If there's anythin' left of that once you've demolished it, pop it in fridge," Gary smiled with a wink and then turned on his heel and left Finn alone to the sound of the clock ticking. He looked up at it and wondered how it felt so late yet was only 935pm. He yawned and picked up the saucepan and carried it through to the living room before he collapsed onto the sofa and slowly continued to eat as his mind wandered through the day. His thoughts fell to Chloe and he replayed the way she had looked at him, the look of guilt, and the sideways glances. _What's she hidin'?_ He thought to himself with narrowed eyes as he wondered if she was keeping a secret for Rae. He decided to make it a priority to find out sooner rather than later. He kicked off his shoes under the coffee table as he placed the pan down, before he padded across to the television and flicked it on. He picked up the remote to turn the volume down low and skimmed through the channels for something mindless. He needed noise because he hated the silence of an empty house. He slowly wandered back through to the kitchen and pulled a can of lager from the fridge before he headed back to the sofa to take a long, cold gulp. He leaned back into the soft cushions and rested the can in his lap as he closed his eyes for a moment and let images of Rae flash into his head.

He thought back to the first time he'd seen her, climbing awkwardly out of her mother's car when Chloe had recognised her as they pulled up at the junction on the way for a ride out. He'd watched her fidget as she stood in front of Chloe and he'd eyed her sceptically at the time, assumed she was shy and probably not worth remembering. He took another mouthful of the lager as he remembered how that evening Chloe had introduced her to everyone and he'd felt put out that the perfect little gang they had built was going to be changed by someone new. He didn't like change; it was never usually a good thing. He smiled to himself realising how wrong he was. That beautiful, amazing girl had come into their gang and sprayed "Rae" all over it and turned into the glue that held them together, sometimes by a single strand. She was the one they all looked up to, the most normal, the most together, even though she wasn't. _Everyone's got stuff though, Finn_, he told himself taking another swig from the can and he reminded himself he was carrying around bagfuls of shit wherever he went. The stuff Rae had, the pain she'd been through both inside and out didn't make her a bad person in his eyes, it just made her who she was, and she was awesome. He stretched back and brought his legs up onto the sofa, as he placed the can on the table and put a cushion behind his head. He led back to stare up at the ceiling as he yawned again and went back to his thoughts, his mind returning to the day he now realised he'd started falling in love.

He'd still been cool towards Rae, still not felt comfortable with the change in the gang, the way she had fit in so easily and the way everyone had liked her so easily. Not that he hadn't, that was part of the problem though. He'd started to like her so easily that he was angry with himself for not being able to stay fed up. He'd watched her slyly as she walked into the pub, the way she'd looked around nervously before spotting the gang, the way her face had fallen when she'd seen them there and realised she hadn't been invited. Chloe had gotten up to meet her and they awkwardly returned to the table, hellos exchanged while he stared off into the distance, ignoring the way she had looked longingly at Archie. His stomach had curled up inside of him when he'd seen that and all he could think of, was getting rid of Archie. He hadn't realised that it was jealousy, not that day anyway. Pushing his 20p across the table he'd asked him to put something decent on the jukebox and she'd swooped. He'd argued with her, calling her 'May' just to get under her skin, but she'd had none of it, eventually sauntering off with a smile on her face. When the music had started and he'd heard the opening bars amongst everyone's cheering and hollering he'd shaken his head in disbelief. He couldn't believe this girl knew her music. '_For mainstream' _she'd said. He could hear it even now. There was nothing mainstream about her though. She was like listening to the best music there was, when the volume was pumped up and the sun was shining. She was his favourite song. He smiled to himself sleepily as he began to drift away as Rae's face danced at the front of his mind and her smile hugged at him tightly until he felt safe and content.

* * *

He scrambled up as the ringing phone broke through his dreams and he shook himself awake, confused by his surroundings and kicking off a blanket that appeared over him at some point throughout the night. He stood up and stumbled towards the phone as he rubbed at his face with his hand to force himself awake. _Linda_. He panicked, rushing to the phone and stubbing his foot on the way.

"Hello?"

Silence. _Is that breathin'?_ He listened as hard as he could to the faint sound of a strangled, hitched breath before the phone went dead.

"Fuck!" He snapped out into the empty hallway as he replaced the receiver. "Fuck. Fuck. Fuck." He didn't know what to do. He knew it could have been Rae, but he didn't know if he should go to the hospital, or to the house. He didn't know if he should go anywhere. He rubbed at his head in frustration as he tried to find the answers before he started to pad through to the kitchen. He saw a note from his father propped up on the table and flickered his eyes across the usual explanation about long days and late nights and that there was money in the drawer for the chippy for dinner. He let it flutter back down to the table as he took in that his father must have left him sleeping on the couch and left for work already. He wandered over to the kettle, lifting it to feel its weight before he flicked the switch to turn it on, his hand already reaching for a mug and teabag. _Tea makes everythin' better._ He thought again with a smile. His Nan used to say that all the time. It didn't matter if he was stuck on his homework, had been in a fight, had fallen and scraped a knee; it was all healed by his Nan's smile and a cup of tea. The last cup they had shared together had been the day she'd died, in the hospital. _Oh my god, what if Linda's…_ he couldn't even finish the thought as he shivered again, his hand rubbing at his mouth as he stared at the steam curling into the air from the kettle as it slowly began to work it's way towards a boil.

He thought back to the day his Nan had died, he'd promised her that he would come back that evening to say goodnight but he had gotten caught up in Chop's party plans and he'd finally talked to Rae and made amends and found himself excited to see her. He'd been telling his Nan about her that afternoon, his smile telling her more than he was and she'd patted his hand and told him to take care of Rae's heart. He'd sat beside her bed and laughed as he had drunk the weak, tasteless hospital tea with her before he had said his goodbyes and promised her that he would be back. She'd nodded a sad smile as he'd kissed her goodbye. He hadn't gone back. He'd called the ward from Rae's house when he'd realised the time to tell the nurses to wish a goodnight and tell her that he'd be back in the morning and that was when they'd told him that fifteen minutes before he called she'd slipped away in her sleep. He'd sat on the bed and cried so hard he couldn't breathe until suddenly, there was Rae in the doorway, then beside him on the bed as she held him, rocked him back and forth like a child and comforted away the feelings of guilt that had dug deeply into him. If something had happened to Linda, he couldn't let Rae go through that alone. He needed to be there for her just as she had been there for him. He needed to be the one to put his arms around her and hold her and rock her back and forth until she was whole again, even if it took forever.

And with that realisation he rushed through the house, pulled shoes on, ran out the door and started the engine of his bike as the kettle finally finished boiling.

* * *

He pulled into the hospital car park and found a space as he tried to take slow, even breaths to slow his heart down. He stowed his helmet in the lockbox and pulled his coat around himself tightly against the cold, grey morning as he walked towards the entrance, unsure of where to go.

Inside he stared at the various signs for different wards and departments. _What the fuck is ophthalmology for fuck sake?_ He thought to himself angrily and wished he'd listened more in school. He looked around for someone to ask and noticed a young nurse heading towards him.

"Sorry, 'scuse me. Can I ask ya summat?" He asked tentatively, stepping in front of her to stop her. She smiled at him, as she looked him up and down with a hungry look.

"Course. 'Ow can I help?" She flicked her hair back over her shoulder and smiled again.

"Right, well, I'm not sure where I might need t'go see. Me girlfriends mam," he saw her face fall slightly at the mention of a girlfriend and he smiled inwardly, "was brought in 'ere last night, but she's pregnant and there were summat wrong wi' th'baby, she were bleedin' real badly like. I dunno if she'd be in casualty or like if they'd taken her somewhere? I'm just tryin' t'find me girlfriend. She needs me." He hung his head slightly, realising how stupid he must sound but the nurse's smile softened as she tilted her head to one side.

"She could be in casualty, aye, but more likely she's in maternity." She reached out and turned him towards the map on the wall, her hand squeezing the muscles in the top of his arm. He stiffened slightly at her touch and followed her pointing finger to the map. "You're 'ere, and this is maternity. Just follow this bit down 'ere, then go left 'ere and then you just follow that round and you'll find the reception. They might be able to tell you summat". She smiled again, looking up at him with more of a comforting smile. "You be okay?" She asked and he nodded.

"Yeah, thanks, I got it." And she nodded back, moving away and disappearing as he followed her directions through the twists and turns of the hospital corridors until he walked through the double doors into the maternity department reception, a large desk with two women sat quietly chatting in the centre. The older of the two, a slight grey-haired woman with a kind face, looked up and smiled as he approached the desk.

"Mornin'. 'Ow can I help ya, love?" She asked.

"I dunno if I'm in right place, or if I can be here," he looked around nervously as he noticed a heavily pregnant woman pacing in front of a tired looking man, her hand rubbing over her stomach protectively just as Linda's had. "Me girlfriends mam was brought in last night, she's 'avin a baby but there was lots of blood. I'm just lookin' for me girlfriend, to make sure she's okay". He scratched at his ear nervously, "'Av you seen a tall girl, long black hair, leather jacket? 'As she been 'ere?"

"Fat lass?" The lady asked as her eyebrows shot up in surprise and Finn stiffened as his mouth set into a grim, hard line and he blinked at her, refusing to answer. She coughed nervously, "Um, I mean, yes, there's a tall girl here, long black hair, came in wi' 'er mum. She's in the waitin' room, but I can't tell you anythin' else, love. Confidentiality." She nodded her head as way of apology and he smiled tersely back.

"Where's waitin' room?" He asked and she motioned to the doors beside them and he turned to make his way in.

As he reached the doors he looked through the glass and saw Rae sat alone on a row of chairs and his heart started racing as he saw her staring sadly at the floor. His heart ached to fix everything that was broken in her world and his hand trembled as he reached up to the handle and opened the door slowly and quietly. He stepped into the quiet waiting room and took a deep, shuddering breath before he walked towards her and took the seat beside her. He reached out, her eyes still never having lifted from the ground and placed his finger on her thigh and slowly traced out the only thing he could think to say.

HI.


End file.
